DISCOVERY

"I have always been fascinated by beautiful things: architecture, furniture, books. Beautiful things are prepared with love. The act of creating something of beauty is a way of bringing good into the world. Infused with optimism, it says simply: Life is worthwhile." (Alan Moore, Designer)

In a world where suffering and death are looming in all facets, I love an artist's contribution to this world. Good design creates order in unpredictable chaos. Artistry manifests child-like imagination where suffering is momentarily blurred. Beauty is like Heaven on earth. And art simultaneously encapsulates pain very well too, but in a way where we can feel and embrace it better. I love that.

When I was in preschool, my teacher had this Christmas crafts catalogue which capsized my mind at 3 years old. My discovery of this magazine mesmerized me to the point where even today, I can recall its faint impressions. I obsessively poured over the colors, the wrapping paper assortments, and the lights every day after school... Who knew how long this went on for until my teacher graciously let me take her catalogue home.

Perhaps one of the biggest mistake I'd had to correct as an adult, was allowing myself to believe that something was wrong with me for liking what I liked. Numbers, methods, and performance were taught as the "better metric" for doing "good" in the world while feelings, concepts and abstract ideas felt isolated and secondary. I felt stunted, and often guilty. It certainly did not help to grow up in a Asian-American-immigrant-conservative-Christian household — I know, that's a lot. But it's all unraveling beautifully now.

For me, beauty is much more than the mundane, lesser values of life. Sometimes, I am more moved by how the light hits the windows and pours into the design of local coffee shop than I am by methodical explanations or knowledge... because I see God very clearly in it. Same with the bass on a track, a collective orchestra, the construction of a chair, or by ways of a floral arrangement. I know it's odd, but to me it often feels weighty. It reveals that we are both born in His image, and in all of our short-comings and failures, we have the ability to take part in His creation narrative. Thus, a "chair" is not just a "chair." It is an overwhelming invitation, a cup of grace.

Lately, I have been giving myself permission to delight in and to embrace this. Dismantling the idea that beauty is mere pleasure-seeking vanity has liberated me in many ways. Isaiah 55 gives us the image of the mountains breaking forth in song and the trees of the fields clapping their hands. Nature unscathed reveals God's glory, and the work of mans' hands unveils the longing in our hearts for all that is yet to come. In Him, beauty is profound in meaning. Today, I sat in a coffee shop and read. I watched videos on modern culture + Christianity. I facetimed with my mom. Then I perused local shops and felt so inspired. As "Sabbath" is taking deeper meaning and root in my life this year (I highly, highly, recommend the podcast series by John Mark Comer) I nestled into deep rest.

NYC

In New York, fifty percent of our plans fell through. One half of the fifty was shooting the wedding (the main reason for me heading out east) and the other half just happened more organically. The older I'm getting, the less attachment I have to plans, and by plans, I typically mean where I am going to eat. The key word here: "less." It allowed plenty of rest at home and I didn't mind it.

While the day took its course, I gave myself ample time in the evening to wrestle and reflect on a counseling session I had right before my flight. There's a quote in one of my favorite books by Paul Kalanithi that says "Because I would have to learn to live in a different way, seeing death as an imposing itinerant visitor but knowing that even if I’m dying, until I actually die, I am still living.”  Though Dr. Kalanithi saw death more vividly through the lens of his illness, death is still inevitably certain. It imposes its presence upon us daily in the form of fear, uncertainty, pain, and loss and we couldn't dodge its bullets even if we wanted to. This idea was like a light which unveiled the undercurrents of self-preservation that I've unknowingly constructed much of my life adult life on. To live under the cloak of denial and/or control would be a pointless endeavor, for a life free of fear and pain does not exist. And so I am realizing.

And thus, creating new "ways" of living has sprouted its challenges. Yet the challenges are girded with hope. Though I am a proud optimist, there is only one avenue that allows me to reconcile these novel realities to my hardwiring. Life seems to be wedged even more firmly in the context of the future 'hope of glory.' And so compassion washes over me like a river and extends to the deep wells of fear so that I may live differently. And then comes peace in the midst of the reordering and forging, problems and uncertainties, joys and travels, and everything in between. More on all this in-person. 

Thank you New York for being that getaway safe haven, a home away from home (thanks to my sister) where I could digest truths, rest, and fill my stomach. A quiet place in the concrete jungle. 

SUMMER 18'

35 mm film — shot by Nammy Park

On community — What was intended to be a two-week trip of rest and relaxation became two-months of "doing life" in Chicago. At the time, I had frequented the thought that we've become experts at creating a false sense of connection and belonging through all the social media outlets — and I wanted to challenge myself to bask + create more of what was real. I made the intentional decision to unplug as best as I could this summer in hopes to be more fully present with those around me. 

I can certainly say that friendships delved deeper, family matters were approached with more grace and finesse, and with the sweet intermix of hard conversations + hilarious outbreaks of laughter, even the mundane moments felt really precious. I dragged my feet to take public transportation  to work on most days, was less amused by the city, which, certainly was a good thing because it told me that I wasn't viewing Chicago with a visiter's lens. I liked that. And jam-packed in between all the little moments, H got engaged, my sister and brother-in-law made our family full, D surprise visited Chicago, and I watched my little sister walk into her second year of high school. 

I never know how to explain why I'm home so often, but I am incredibly lucky, and hold a fierce pride in the fact that I get to spend elongated times with my loved ones. If you've lived ten years away from home, and home is as weighty and wonderful as I left it, then maybe you'll know. I love my community. And if you have never left to create community elsewhere, you won't get it, but that's okay because you can always ask. The power of an open-mind, a dialogue, an exchange, is more valuable than the stale business of the Crystal Merchant.

Seoul, you're still bombarding my thoughts on a daily basis. And Los Angeles, we've had a rocky start, but I've been nothing short of content and excited. We're in progress, headed somewhere amazing, I know.

OCTOBER THERAPY

Chicago, Illinois

Home. I needed home. I was emotionally maxing out, craving fall, and childishly longing for a blanket of security - one that I felt only Chicago could give me at this time. Unfortunate, but grandpa's memorial service and grandma's health scare gave me enough reason to be here.

Some noteworthy happenings in the last two days:

Had a high school sleepover with Nams and Miriam. We talked about how scary and exciting alike the idea of family, relationships, and love is. We drank tea, fought over who would sleep on the couch, and instantly fell asleep because after all, we are not 18 anymore. I love exactly where we are at.

We sat around the table for "Fancy Breakfast" the following morning. I was extremely, intensely happy. I still don't know what it was about aesthetics, colors, and the set up of the food amongst a company of friends (most important) in a charming high-rise space that injected boosts and boosts of joy, but I am thinking that it's the artistry of cultivation that makes me a total addict for this kind of stuff...whatever "this" is.

I exchanged ideas and dreams with Hayoung, who I'm so proud of. That same afternoon, I took a walk with Tina Lee and amongst many things, I realized that I still believe in prophetic words — even though I found myself skeptical mid-conversation. We empathized at how inordinately difficult this past year has been for the both of us, and then shared what we look forward to in 2018. 

Dug through 2-3 boxes of film photos that I took between elementary school to high school. This did two things for me: One, it reminded me that I am deeply, deeply loved. Two, it revealed who I am. And on tangent (but not really) I've always had a deep love for photo taking.

Cuddled with my mom, and invited her into my life. Visited grandma who has been doing much better, but I see the loneliness in her eyes every time I pick up my things to leave the hospital. I don't know how I'm going to fly back to Los Angeles come Sunday. Can I not? 

Dad approaches me and tells me to start cultivating my leadership skills. He asks what I think about becoming a woman preacher. Little does he know I already have sermons via #mkv.

All in all, I am drinking up the October air. I've been feeling high highs, but also deep blues. Today is one of those days where I don't know where to garner strength. But the nostalgic vibes here gives me a greater sense of integrity and wholeness in contrast to sunny LA. The rustic interior of this current space, this coffee, and the alone time I've carved out for myself is... perfect.